Life is for those who LIVE!!!

I wasn't sure if i should or write about this since it's not positive and cheery.  But I think that often times people shy away from the things that are painful to talk about.  I want to try to be true to my emotions and write about this pregnancy as i experience it.  I also didn't want people to think that I was ungrateful for my situation.  I am thankful that I am able to carry this baby and I know that once he is here this whole time period will be worth it and these negative feelings will slip away like water under the bridge.  But I'm not at that point yet.  And so i'm stuck with how I feel for now.  I feel useless.  I feel isolated. I feel like life is passing me by.  I sit and watch out my window and people are coming and going about their everyday life and still i sit here.    I feel like every, single day is identical to the one before it and will be identical to the one after it.  I feel time is ...

My entire life I've been as healthy as a horse.  I have only broken one bone (a finger), had stitches once (from a mole removal) and never had a surgery.  I'd only been in hospitals for other people and never been a patient myself.  So I assumed that since I was relatively healthy in general, I would have a relatively healthy pregnancy.  I never thought I would have a pregnancy that was filled with such drama.  (And for those of you thinking that it could be much worse - I agree.... It could be, but I'm just speaking as to how I feel right now.  Please don't tell me that so and so had it much worse in an attempt to make me feel better.  That makes me feel like you are trivializing my experiences and emotions.  Anyways - I digress.) It all started the other night.  I got up in the middle of the night to pee - nothing new there.  Richie had stayed up later than normal and it was actually him coming to bed that woke me up. ...

Our last Dr. appt started out much like any other Dr. appt.  Lots of waiting around the waiting room and then finally we are called in.  I held my breath the whole time thinking "Please let this baby be growing and look healthy."  The guy who does the sonogram is pretty socially awkward (why he would choose a profession where he sees women on a daily basis and is touching them with a wand is beyond me.  nice guy but TOTALLY AWKWARD).  He doesn't really say much during the whole process unless you ask him questions and then he will answer away.  He said "everything looks good and your baby weighs a pound a half and is growing beautifully.  Are you interested in knowing the sex of the baby?"  Well yes of course we want confirmation of the sex of the baby.  So again he starts moving around and then he freezes the screen and says "See those things there between the legs?  It's a boy!"  Baby Boy...

Oprah always says that your house should rise up and greet you.  We bought our home almost 5 years ago and since then it's been in a state of constant change.  It's no secret that when I bought this house I wasn't in love with it.  It had a lot of things that desperately needed changing but I thought it had good bones and it allowed me to become independent and grow up.  Now that I'm winding down all of the house projects, it makes me a little nostalgic.  I am almost at the point where I've done all that I can do to this house.  My To-Do list is very short these days.  I vividly recall days where I flat out hated my home because it looked ugly, smelled bad and functioned poorly.  Now I think it's kinda cute and it's been a place where Richie and I lived together, got married, and are bringing home our own bundle of joy.  I thought I'd share how far it's come for those of you who haven't had the joy of experiencing it with me.  ...

Two weeks ago Richie and I went in for our routine 20 week sonogram. We were excited to see her but since we already knew she was a girl, we weren't expecting any surprises.  But a surprise is what we got.  During the sonogram nothing really was said about any issues.  She wasn't really cooperating by showing us between her legs just to confirm that she was a girl.  She was laying on her side with the cord between her legs and no amount of jiggling or prodding by the doctor would get her to move.  And he was trying really hard to move her.  I remember at one point he was recording the blood flow of the cord and the screen goes a different color.  It's supposed to be this Doppler looking thing (like you see on the weather channel) and the cord is supposed to turn red and blue.  I remember it turning red and blue but it wasn't consistent and the color would stop and then it would flash up again.  I think it's supposed to s...

Last Thursday Richie and I went to my scheduled Dr. appt for a routine exam.  I like to have Richie involved as much as possible and he's been able to make it to every single appointment except for one.  This time I did my routine pee in the cup (which on a side note is the most difficult thing every invented for a woman... or maybe it's just me... I'm contemplating buying a funnel.. lol) and went to the room to wait for the Dr.  We waited around for 20 minutes and he finally came in.  I asked a few questions and then he pulled out his little machine to hear the baby's heartbeat. He frowned a little and said "I guess I caught the baby napping."  I kinda laughed and said "why?" he said "well the baby's heartbeat is lower than it should be."  I started to get nervous.  "Is that normal when a baby sleeps?" - I mean I have no idea what happens during pregnancy...  He said "no it's not."  meanwhile he contin...

I don't really have very much to say but I thought I would write down a few things because I'm sure in a few years I won't remember this if I don't write it down now.  -  I am starting to feel better now but I still have a few hours where I definitely feel sick again but it isn't an all day thing like it used to be - yay!  -  I am slowly incorporating foods back into my diet that since my morning sickness started I haven't been eating.  The foods I have been eating the most are fruit Popsicles, bagels with cream cheese and jelly, grilled cheese sandwiches, and any and all types of fruits.  -  It's weird how sensations that I thought I had pretty much mastered at 28 are completely changed now that I'm pregnant.  Sensations like hunger, having to pee, or an upset stomach.  These are totally different now.  Sometimes i think "I think I'm hungry but i don't really know."  or "I think i have to pee but I'm not really sure...