words you never want to hear
Something happened to me yesterday that was horrible. And I want to try to forget it or ignore it, but I'm in a temporary purgatory. I want to pretend like it isn't happening, but then I think back to when I lost first Brittany and then my Gram. When I talked about it and shared my pain, you guys reached out and made me feel a little bit better and a little less alone. So here it goes.
Yesterday Richie and I went to the dr expecting to see a sweet baby bean on the sonogram machine and hear a heartbeat of baby #2 for the first time. Instead, a doctor (a complete stranger to me), told us that I was going to experience a miscarriage soon.
I admit that all this week I've been on edge leading up to the sonogram. I experienced pretty severe morning sickness when I was pregnant with Luke starting at week 6, so when I hadn't felt those puky feelings, I brushed my worry down. Each pregnancy is different they say. When they took my blood pressure in the doctor's office it was 140/100. I just wanted to see my baby and know that everything was ok. After my pregnancy with Luke, I was a little more worried that I might have issues.
They made me pee in a cup and did a pregnancy test and the nurse said "congrats. you are pregnant." I laughed and told her that I had already taken 4 tests so I wasn't surprised. I checked the test twice to confirm while it sat on the counter waiting for the doctor to come in. When he finally did we had a routine discussion about my previous pregnancy. This was the first time I'd met him. I had to switch to him at the last minute because my normal doctor was still in surgery. Then we moved to the sonogram room.
I remember watching the screen and then the doctor asked me several more questions about date of my last period and dates of my pregnancy tests. Then he said "Well in a normal pregnancy we would expect to see a placenta and a tiny fetus and a heart beat at this stage. But I don't see that here. So you are going to have a miscarriage since this is an abnormal pregnancy". I was searching the screen, so for a minute I don't think it sunk in. He kept going on an on about health class and cell division and how the body will terminate a pregnancy that is chromosomally abnormal. I don't even know how long he talked before I stopped him and said "What are you saying? That I'm going to have a miscarriage??" Then I burst into tears. He said yes and told me I could wait for it to happen or I could have a D&C. It was my choice. I asked "Are you sure?? What if the fetus is just too small?" He said that based on what I told him about the dates and my personal history, he really didn't think that was the case. I also agree with him. I know EXACT dates for everything. There is no way that I am off track.
I was shell shocked when I left the office. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. This happened to other women. not me. Yet here I am.
After talking to my normal doctor on the phone today, I was told that more than likely this is an abnormal pregnancy (termed a blighted ovum) and that I will likely miscarry sometime in the next two weeks. If I don't, then I will have another sonogram to determine the status of the placenta and possible signs of a fetus. The Dr. said that there is a very slim chance that the baby is too small to see yet. This is doubtful as I know EXACT dates for all of my periods/conception/pregnancy tests. At 7 1/2 weeks, there should be something there, and there isn't. After the sonogram, I will have a D&C if I haven't miscarried on my own by then.
It's hard enough know that this will eventually happen. That I will lose something I have wanted so badly, but it really, truly does suck that I have to wait around for something to happen. I have to walk around knowing that at any moment could be a moment I am dreading. For up to two weeks.
I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends, family, and in-laws who have had a miscarriage. I know that I am still blessed. I have a husband who cried with me in the doctor's office yesterday and held me while I cried and never left my side all last night. I have a beautiful HEALTHY baby boy already. I have a comfortable house, a steady job and money in the bank. I have a tremendous support system in place. I know that I am healthy and that maybe further down the road our family with be a family of 4. But right now, I know this hurts and it sucks and it isn't fair. I know I'll be ok, but I also know that this is another part of life that is raw and real and will change me. Just like when others who were close to me have died.
A good friend texted me a beautiful sentiment "When Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered and has a history, it becomes more beautiful." By Barbara Bloom
At the age of 31, I have suffered some major cracks; they are filled with gold. Maybe that makes my soul more beautiful.... I'm not sure yet if it is worth the trade off.
Yesterday Richie and I went to the dr expecting to see a sweet baby bean on the sonogram machine and hear a heartbeat of baby #2 for the first time. Instead, a doctor (a complete stranger to me), told us that I was going to experience a miscarriage soon.
I admit that all this week I've been on edge leading up to the sonogram. I experienced pretty severe morning sickness when I was pregnant with Luke starting at week 6, so when I hadn't felt those puky feelings, I brushed my worry down. Each pregnancy is different they say. When they took my blood pressure in the doctor's office it was 140/100. I just wanted to see my baby and know that everything was ok. After my pregnancy with Luke, I was a little more worried that I might have issues.
They made me pee in a cup and did a pregnancy test and the nurse said "congrats. you are pregnant." I laughed and told her that I had already taken 4 tests so I wasn't surprised. I checked the test twice to confirm while it sat on the counter waiting for the doctor to come in. When he finally did we had a routine discussion about my previous pregnancy. This was the first time I'd met him. I had to switch to him at the last minute because my normal doctor was still in surgery. Then we moved to the sonogram room.
I remember watching the screen and then the doctor asked me several more questions about date of my last period and dates of my pregnancy tests. Then he said "Well in a normal pregnancy we would expect to see a placenta and a tiny fetus and a heart beat at this stage. But I don't see that here. So you are going to have a miscarriage since this is an abnormal pregnancy". I was searching the screen, so for a minute I don't think it sunk in. He kept going on an on about health class and cell division and how the body will terminate a pregnancy that is chromosomally abnormal. I don't even know how long he talked before I stopped him and said "What are you saying? That I'm going to have a miscarriage??" Then I burst into tears. He said yes and told me I could wait for it to happen or I could have a D&C. It was my choice. I asked "Are you sure?? What if the fetus is just too small?" He said that based on what I told him about the dates and my personal history, he really didn't think that was the case. I also agree with him. I know EXACT dates for everything. There is no way that I am off track.
I was shell shocked when I left the office. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. This happened to other women. not me. Yet here I am.
After talking to my normal doctor on the phone today, I was told that more than likely this is an abnormal pregnancy (termed a blighted ovum) and that I will likely miscarry sometime in the next two weeks. If I don't, then I will have another sonogram to determine the status of the placenta and possible signs of a fetus. The Dr. said that there is a very slim chance that the baby is too small to see yet. This is doubtful as I know EXACT dates for all of my periods/conception/pregnancy tests. At 7 1/2 weeks, there should be something there, and there isn't. After the sonogram, I will have a D&C if I haven't miscarried on my own by then.
It's hard enough know that this will eventually happen. That I will lose something I have wanted so badly, but it really, truly does suck that I have to wait around for something to happen. I have to walk around knowing that at any moment could be a moment I am dreading. For up to two weeks.
I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends, family, and in-laws who have had a miscarriage. I know that I am still blessed. I have a husband who cried with me in the doctor's office yesterday and held me while I cried and never left my side all last night. I have a beautiful HEALTHY baby boy already. I have a comfortable house, a steady job and money in the bank. I have a tremendous support system in place. I know that I am healthy and that maybe further down the road our family with be a family of 4. But right now, I know this hurts and it sucks and it isn't fair. I know I'll be ok, but I also know that this is another part of life that is raw and real and will change me. Just like when others who were close to me have died.
A good friend texted me a beautiful sentiment "When Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered and has a history, it becomes more beautiful." By Barbara Bloom
At the age of 31, I have suffered some major cracks; they are filled with gold. Maybe that makes my soul more beautiful.... I'm not sure yet if it is worth the trade off.
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