Life is for those who LIVE!!!

I wasn't sure if i should or write about this since it's not positive and cheery.  But I think that often times people shy away from the things that are painful to talk about.  I want to try to be true to my emotions and write about this pregnancy as i experience it.  I also didn't want people to think that I was ungrateful for my situation.  I am thankful that I am able to carry this baby and I know that once he is here this whole time period will be worth it and these negative feelings will slip away like water under the bridge.  But I'm not at that point yet.  And so i'm stuck with how I feel for now.  I feel useless.  I feel isolated. I feel like life is passing me by.  I sit and watch out my window and people are coming and going about their everyday life and still i sit here.    I feel like every, single day is identical to the one before it and will be identical to the one after it.  I feel time is slipping away from me.    I feel like every tim

My entire life I've been as healthy as a horse.  I have only broken one bone (a finger), had stitches once (from a mole removal) and never had a surgery.  I'd only been in hospitals for other people and never been a patient myself.  So I assumed that since I was relatively healthy in general, I would have a relatively healthy pregnancy.  I never thought I would have a pregnancy that was filled with such drama.  (And for those of you thinking that it could be much worse - I agree.... It could be, but I'm just speaking as to how I feel right now.  Please don't tell me that so and so had it much worse in an attempt to make me feel better.  That makes me feel like you are trivializing my experiences and emotions.  Anyways - I digress.) It all started the other night.  I got up in the middle of the night to pee - nothing new there.  Richie had stayed up later than normal and it was actually him coming to bed that woke me up.  This is when I noticed that I was bleeding.  Th

Our last Dr. appt started out much like any other Dr. appt.  Lots of waiting around the waiting room and then finally we are called in.  I held my breath the whole time thinking "Please let this baby be growing and look healthy."  The guy who does the sonogram is pretty socially awkward (why he would choose a profession where he sees women on a daily basis and is touching them with a wand is beyond me.  nice guy but TOTALLY AWKWARD).  He doesn't really say much during the whole process unless you ask him questions and then he will answer away.  He said "everything looks good and your baby weighs a pound a half and is growing beautifully.  Are you interested in knowing the sex of the baby?"  Well yes of course we want confirmation of the sex of the baby.  So again he starts moving around and then he freezes the screen and says "See those things there between the legs?  It's a boy!"  Baby Boy at 24 weeks And he smiles at me.  I only remember t

Oprah always says that your house should rise up and greet you.  We bought our home almost 5 years ago and since then it's been in a state of constant change.  It's no secret that when I bought this house I wasn't in love with it.  It had a lot of things that desperately needed changing but I thought it had good bones and it allowed me to become independent and grow up.  Now that I'm winding down all of the house projects, it makes me a little nostalgic.  I am almost at the point where I've done all that I can do to this house.  My To-Do list is very short these days.  I vividly recall days where I flat out hated my home because it looked ugly, smelled bad and functioned poorly.  Now I think it's kinda cute and it's been a place where Richie and I lived together, got married, and are bringing home our own bundle of joy.  I thought I'd share how far it's come for those of you who haven't had the joy of experiencing it with me.  The outside o

Two weeks ago Richie and I went in for our routine 20 week sonogram. We were excited to see her but since we already knew she was a girl, we weren't expecting any surprises.  But a surprise is what we got.  During the sonogram nothing really was said about any issues.  She wasn't really cooperating by showing us between her legs just to confirm that she was a girl.  She was laying on her side with the cord between her legs and no amount of jiggling or prodding by the doctor would get her to move.  And he was trying really hard to move her.  I remember at one point he was recording the blood flow of the cord and the screen goes a different color.  It's supposed to be this Doppler looking thing (like you see on the weather channel) and the cord is supposed to turn red and blue.  I remember it turning red and blue but it wasn't consistent and the color would stop and then it would flash up again.  I think it's supposed to stay a solid color.  We finished up and then

Last Thursday Richie and I went to my scheduled Dr. appt for a routine exam.  I like to have Richie involved as much as possible and he's been able to make it to every single appointment except for one.  This time I did my routine pee in the cup (which on a side note is the most difficult thing every invented for a woman... or maybe it's just me... I'm contemplating buying a funnel.. lol) and went to the room to wait for the Dr.  We waited around for 20 minutes and he finally came in.  I asked a few questions and then he pulled out his little machine to hear the baby's heartbeat. He frowned a little and said "I guess I caught the baby napping."  I kinda laughed and said "why?" he said "well the baby's heartbeat is lower than it should be."  I started to get nervous.  "Is that normal when a baby sleeps?" - I mean I have no idea what happens during pregnancy...  He said "no it's not."  meanwhile he contin

I don't really have very much to say but I thought I would write down a few things because I'm sure in a few years I won't remember this if I don't write it down now.  -  I am starting to feel better now but I still have a few hours where I definitely feel sick again but it isn't an all day thing like it used to be - yay!  -  I am slowly incorporating foods back into my diet that since my morning sickness started I haven't been eating.  The foods I have been eating the most are fruit Popsicles, bagels with cream cheese and jelly, grilled cheese sandwiches, and any and all types of fruits.  -  It's weird how sensations that I thought I had pretty much mastered at 28 are completely changed now that I'm pregnant.  Sensations like hunger, having to pee, or an upset stomach.  These are totally different now.  Sometimes i think "I think I'm hungry but i don't really know."  or "I think i have to pee but I'm not really sure"

It's crazy how you can feel perfectly fine one moment and then sick as a dog the next....  Morning sickness has struck here in the Rollins household...  I was up each morning for the last 3 mornings with a large lump in my throat and swallowing anything makes me feel like gaging....  I can usually manage a few bites of something and every so often i take a few more bites and try not to gag.  I always try to go back to sleep but if I can't sleep i usually lay on the couch like a bum...  This is where you can find me until about 1 or 2.  By then my body has stopped boycotting food and i can manage to eat a small lunch.  I feel pretty good until bedtime but i still have waves of sickness.  It's so weird how you can feel right as rain and two seconds later you swear that you are going to throw up.  We went to our first Dr. appointment and it was still surreal.  I was literally sitting there thinking omg what if they Dr comes in and tells me that I've made the whole thing

Richie and I have been trying to get pregnant since August/September.  It's been a really frustrating process to say the least.  At first things seems to be pretty regular and I figured it was only a matter of time.  But then somewhere in February my body decided to pack up shop.  I won't go into the details but it left me despairing that my body was failing me.  Month after month I was beyond frustrated.  So much so that my Dr. finally suggested a medicine called clomid that is a low dose fertility drug that regulates your ovulation.  So i took the first dose of it in May.   Meanwhile very, very few people knew of our plans because we didn't want the pressure of people watching us and waiting for it.    Then the Sunday of mother's day I woke up after having this dream:  Richie and I were sitting on the couch in my parents house.  My whole family knew that I was pregnant already but they didn't know I had a surprise.  So I casually said "guess what?  I'm

I feel like I job hop... a lot... and maybe that's because I have never been happy at my job before so i feel the need to hop along every 3 years.  So I am starting a list of possible jobs that  make me happy.  In case I become a professor and I find that I still am not happy.  lol 1.  Own a starbucks.... I just love the cozy atmosphere, the smell of coffee and the feeling of people gathering together to have a chat or study.  2.    Work at a bookstore... love, love, love books but sadly i feel like actual books are going the way of film cameras.  I just don't see that this will last. 3.  Become a writer.  I had a great idea earlier today for a novel.  Who knows if i'll ever try to pen it.  I may be the world's worst writer ever.... 4.  Own several houses and rent them out as a way to get income.  I'll just keep adding to this list when I think of something.  :o)

So more and more I realize that when you become a real "runner", you have more gear than anyone who plays a sport with actual equipment.  Today while preparing for a run at the gym I had to remember all of the following: special running pants special running sox (jox sox) Uh-Mazing! towel to wipe off sweat water bottle full of special runners liquid to be properly hydrated runners watch special chip to get GPS signal in gym arm band for iphone for my workout Jamz special runners headphones that are sweatproof and of course my new running shoes - which i hate and i am totally returning.. combo lock for the gym locker special sweatyband hairband to keep my hair off my face and it actually stays in place the entire time!  again UH-MAZING  Me with all my running gear on - plus my runners fanny pack :o) I don't take that to the gym It's exhausting trying to remember all this stuff!!!  But by the time i finally got to the gym I was ready to rock and rol

So in a previous blog post , I mentioned my disdain for my current professor.  It seems that my professor has yet again made me want to scream in frustration.  I have turned in 3 papers starting 5 weeks ago.  He has just NOW graded them this weekend and provided me with the following feedback.  In timeline order: Friday night first paper grade of 90 - He mentions formatting is not quite what he was looking for and tells me to look at Lieber Light Case as example.  Direct Quote " You earned a 90% on your Palladium case brief.   If you make the above changes to your next case it will improve the readability and flow of the case." (The Lieber Light case is actually different than the handout he gave us in class.  I followed the example he gave us in class and I don't recall him EVER saying to follow the Lieber Light example.  AND i can't do it on my next paper because he took 5 freaking weeks to grade it and i'd already turned in 2 more papers.) Then he emails

I'm so angry right now that the only thing that will calm me down is to vent... but i am so mad I don't even know where to start.  So i'm just going to write a list as i think of them.  And I will be writing a letter to the Dean of our college to let them know how appalled I am at you, your lack of professionalism, and your "teaching methods".  I just need to cool off first.  1.  I'm pissed that I am paying thousands of dollars in tuition to sit in a class weekly where i don't learn a damn thing.  2.  I'm angry that you continually call my name several times a class for examples ie "If Lauren were working at this company...." or "If Lauren was the manager in charge of making this decision."  Pick another name--- any other name--- a student in our class or john doe.  I don't care but stop using mine.  In the first class alone I bet you used my name at least 8 times - no lie- in a 3 hour timeframe.  The second class was pretty

I saw Dave Ramsey live today and it has given me a new and refreshing take on his program.  I thought I would share a few of his words that were inspirational to me today.  Hopefully you get something out of it too. -  Broke people can't help people because that takes money that they don't have. -  Go back to thinking about money in the same way that our great grandparents and grandparent thought about it. -  The average millionaire cannot tell you who did what on the latest reality TV show.  -  Givers have a higher probability of prosperity. -  90% of the world's millionaires are 1st generation rich. -  If you want to be a millionaire, do the things that millionaires do. -  You train for a marathon, so train to be a millionaire too. -  Money makes you more of what you are. -  Money issues are common sense issues. -  Live on less than you make.  -  Change your family tree - leave a legacy! -  Average millionaire reads 1 nonfiction book a month.  -  It's ha

This is a poem i wrote in 2003 and it is something I'm really proud of. It's probably not the best poem ever written but i'm proud of it. Maybe because for once in my life i was able to write exactly how i felt and what i wanted to say and even to this day i can remember how i felt when i read this poem.  It was a deep, dark time in my life. Restless Restlessly I toss and turn in my skin Walk the streets with only moonlight and stars guiding me Feeling a little crazy Wonder what i'll change this time My clothes, my hair, my mind Branded you on my skin- marked you in my soul Driving down road after road Avoiding the one road that takes me home Avoiding the well known path to my bed- to dreams Dreams of fear and insanity choke my sleep They leave me gasping for air and clutching useless childhood comforts Restless even in my sleep Maybe i'll walk out my front door and leave whisper my goodbye to you in the wind Keep walking along the night Until i reach the engulfin

So much is going on right now that leaves me unsettled.  I have this sense that something large is going to happen soon...  Something I don't want to happen... something that will cause this entire thing to blow up in my face.  I don't exactly know what or when but i'm left feeling this impending doom.  Things feel so fractured right now and i just desperately want things to be patched back together...

I've had a bucket list for many, many years now- Long before the movie actually came out.  I've recently split them up into more organized sections - because you know.... I have OCD.    Bucket List Traveling 1.      TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL....See various parts of the world- more specifically Germany, Denmark, England, Scotland, Norway, Sweeden, Finland, Scotland, Austria, Switzerland, New Zealand, France (again) and Spain (again), Australia, Fiji, St. Lucia, Bora Bora, Prince Edward Island in Canada, Morroco 2.      United States travel includes: New York, Boston, Disneyworld in Florida, Miami, Philadelphia, Chicago, Las Vegas (again), Los Angeles, Washington DC ect.   3.      I would love to travel up north to see the fall leaves change color.   4.      New York during Christmas time 5.      Visit a ski resort during snow season 6.      Visit a place with cherry trees in full bloom 7.      Take a road trip across the United States.   Driving an