My Dearest Shadow
My Dearest Shadow,
I know it's too late to send you this letter but I'm writing it anyways. I have to believe that you are up in Heaven listening to me and watching over me.
I have loved you since the first volleyball game you played in your 8th grade year in 2009. I remember sitting on the bench in the Corbett gym eating some nachos and you told me how much you loved nacho cheese. You were supposed to be paying attention to the game but you were trying to convince me to give you some of my nachos. I finally broke down and snuck you a strawberry sour punch straw. Then later on during the bus ride home you sat in the seat behind me and told me you wanted to be just like me when you grow up. My heart just swelled up with a love I can't explain. As a teacher/coach we aren't supposed to have favorites, but you always were mine. No matter which group we put you in during athletics, you always snuck over to mine and worked out with my group and none of us coaches had the heart to make you go back. So we allowed it. I don't remember who started calling you Shadow first but it stuck, and I adored the fact that you followed me like a lost puppy dog.
When school let out for summer that year I bawled like a baby. I thought that time and distance would lead you to find other role models, and that we would grow apart. I wanted to be a part of your life still but I was afraid of crossing a professional line and getting fired. You desperately needed someone to look up to and I desperately wanted to fill that spot. So when I accidentally left my cell phone out in the coaches office and you stole my phone number and started texting me I allowed it and during the next 3 years we talked or texted pretty much every other day.
The first time you brought me flowers on Mother's Day I sobbed for a solid ten minutes.
The first time your dad called me your adopted mother I cried as well.
You were - and still are - the daughter of my heart. Contemplating a life without you seems so enormously difficult. I literally feel an aching sensation in my heart. I have so many questions about your passing and many whys and what ifs but I'm trying to get past those and remember that I spent 4 beautiful years getting to know and love you. I loved you the best way I knew how and I made sure you knew exactly what you meant to me. I made sure you knew that I saw you for who you were - a purple wearing, llama obsessed, name brand matching, sports loving, joke cracking, intelligent shadow who was the daughter of my heart. In the end, after everything is said and done I tried to show you how much you meant to me and how much I was there for you. Even now all I can say is that I love you and will continue to love you.
I promise you this - I will NEVER, EVER forget you and god willing if I give birth to my own baby girl she will carry your name Rose and will know what a beautiful angel she was named after. I miss you so, so much and it's only been 48 hours but I pray and hope that you are flying with angels and that your mama is hugging you so tight. I hope you watch over me and Luke. I'll tell him that the llama doll that he loves is the one you gave him.
One day when I get to heaven I'm going to find you and give you a huge hug and pull your ponytail. Then we will play a game of horse/lassitude/brouhaha and when you beat me - because let's face it you got so good and you finally realized that I couldn't shoot 3 pointers - when you beat me I will get to see you do your victory lap and end it with a double reverse fist pump.
I love you so much,
Coach
I know it's too late to send you this letter but I'm writing it anyways. I have to believe that you are up in Heaven listening to me and watching over me.
I have loved you since the first volleyball game you played in your 8th grade year in 2009. I remember sitting on the bench in the Corbett gym eating some nachos and you told me how much you loved nacho cheese. You were supposed to be paying attention to the game but you were trying to convince me to give you some of my nachos. I finally broke down and snuck you a strawberry sour punch straw. Then later on during the bus ride home you sat in the seat behind me and told me you wanted to be just like me when you grow up. My heart just swelled up with a love I can't explain. As a teacher/coach we aren't supposed to have favorites, but you always were mine. No matter which group we put you in during athletics, you always snuck over to mine and worked out with my group and none of us coaches had the heart to make you go back. So we allowed it. I don't remember who started calling you Shadow first but it stuck, and I adored the fact that you followed me like a lost puppy dog.
 |
| The last day of school 8th grade year |
When school let out for summer that year I bawled like a baby. I thought that time and distance would lead you to find other role models, and that we would grow apart. I wanted to be a part of your life still but I was afraid of crossing a professional line and getting fired. You desperately needed someone to look up to and I desperately wanted to fill that spot. So when I accidentally left my cell phone out in the coaches office and you stole my phone number and started texting me I allowed it and during the next 3 years we talked or texted pretty much every other day.
The first time you brought me flowers on Mother's Day I sobbed for a solid ten minutes.
The first time your dad called me your adopted mother I cried as well.
You were - and still are - the daughter of my heart. Contemplating a life without you seems so enormously difficult. I literally feel an aching sensation in my heart. I have so many questions about your passing and many whys and what ifs but I'm trying to get past those and remember that I spent 4 beautiful years getting to know and love you. I loved you the best way I knew how and I made sure you knew exactly what you meant to me. I made sure you knew that I saw you for who you were - a purple wearing, llama obsessed, name brand matching, sports loving, joke cracking, intelligent shadow who was the daughter of my heart. In the end, after everything is said and done I tried to show you how much you meant to me and how much I was there for you. Even now all I can say is that I love you and will continue to love you.
 |
| 2011 |
I promise you this - I will NEVER, EVER forget you and god willing if I give birth to my own baby girl she will carry your name Rose and will know what a beautiful angel she was named after. I miss you so, so much and it's only been 48 hours but I pray and hope that you are flying with angels and that your mama is hugging you so tight. I hope you watch over me and Luke. I'll tell him that the llama doll that he loves is the one you gave him.
 |
| he loves his llama |
One day when I get to heaven I'm going to find you and give you a huge hug and pull your ponytail. Then we will play a game of horse/lassitude/brouhaha and when you beat me - because let's face it you got so good and you finally realized that I couldn't shoot 3 pointers - when you beat me I will get to see you do your victory lap and end it with a double reverse fist pump.
I love you so much,
Coach
Lauren
ReplyDeleteYour a wonderful person. It's great to read that you where more to Brittany than just a teacher/coach. We all know that time will heal BUT we all also know that in times like this... it takes TIME to heal. I wish I was still there to see these beautiful girls grow and experiencing what you have. Miss you all.
Coach Ledesma (Saphos)
This was heartbreaking to read. I have a few relationships like this with former students and I can't imagine what you're going through. You were clearly in her life for a reason and she'll never be replaced. Stay strong, Coach. -Hollie
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