One Month Later
One month ago today around this very same time I got a phone call that shattered my world into tiny fragments of pieces. Since then I've been trying to pick up the pieces. I have shadowy memories of that night. I remember seeing my phone ring and I was putting dishes in the dish washer so I missed the call. I called right back and as soon as he picked up the phone I KNEW that she was gone. I don't recall what was said exactly. I just know I yelled out no and started immediately sobbing. I kept crying for a long while and all I kept thinking and saying was why and no. Monosyllabic words. It was all I could do to function. Richie said later on that as soon as he heard the first sound he just knew she was gone too. he said nothing else would cause me to make those sounds. Somehow tickets were purchased to fly back home and I sat in a daze. I barely slept at all that night. The next day I would randomly burst into tears every other hour or so. My eyes were so red and raw.
It was as if my heart would fill up with tears and overflow. I remember distinctly going into the ugly cry mid flight with Luke sleeping on my chest and the man in the row one ahead and across the aisle kept looking back at me. Probably to make sure Richie wasn't beating me. But I couldn't hold back my tears. The whole time Richie just held my hands or head and let me cry. The first few days were so incredibly raw. I'm not sure I could ever adequately explain it.
I have pictures of her up at work behind my desk. One of the 8th grade teachers here came to me the first day back and told me she had artwork from when Brittany was in 8th grade. I remember the last day of school Brittany was trying to throw it away. She said she didn't want it and I told her to keep it. Apparently she went to her LA class and threw it in the trash there. The LA teacher saw her do it and pulled it out of the trash and kept it in her closet at school for the past 3 years. As soon as she heard the news she remembered the art and brought them to me the first day back to school. I teared up because it was a buried memory that I had all but forgotten and that artwork brought it back. But now they hang behind my desk along with her pictures.
One of my boys from last year who is pretty intuitive to my moods anyways asked about her pictures and when I told him that she died he told me that he felt like I was different this year and that explains it. I had to create a timeline of my life as an example for the students. They themselves had to create timelines of their life and I showed mine as an example. I put Brittany on there as a significant event. One of the girls a few days later asked how she died. I was wearing the purple llama shirt in Brittany's honor that day and it reminded the student of her. I hesitated and then choked out "she committed suicide" and then struggled to fight back tears.
Those words are so physically difficult for me to say and think. That action doesn't compute with the beautiful girl I knew and loved. But that is the bare, ugly truth. She was in pain and hid a lot from me and even her best friend. Hindsight being 20/20 there are things that I see now that I can point to her decision days before the event. But at the time I had no idea. I was blind sided. Even afterward I was confused. I thought that maybe it was my fault. Didn't she know what she meant to me? Didn't she know what this would do to me? Didn't she think about me at all? But in reality her actions had nothing to do with me. And her note is a clear indication that she did think of me. even in the end. She knew how much I loved her because I told her often how much I loved her. I know now that she knew that and that her death wasn't about that.
I will always play a what if game but I can't un-ring that bell. All I can do is move forward and try to live by her words. I read them every day. I bought her a pinwheel today to put at her grave. I wrote some words on it and I like to think that as the wind blows, it blows those words up to her. and she hears them over and over and over.
On the way home there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. I'd like to think it was her way of saying she got my message.
 |
| this picture was taken hours after I found out |
It was as if my heart would fill up with tears and overflow. I remember distinctly going into the ugly cry mid flight with Luke sleeping on my chest and the man in the row one ahead and across the aisle kept looking back at me. Probably to make sure Richie wasn't beating me. But I couldn't hold back my tears. The whole time Richie just held my hands or head and let me cry. The first few days were so incredibly raw. I'm not sure I could ever adequately explain it.
I have pictures of her up at work behind my desk. One of the 8th grade teachers here came to me the first day back and told me she had artwork from when Brittany was in 8th grade. I remember the last day of school Brittany was trying to throw it away. She said she didn't want it and I told her to keep it. Apparently she went to her LA class and threw it in the trash there. The LA teacher saw her do it and pulled it out of the trash and kept it in her closet at school for the past 3 years. As soon as she heard the news she remembered the art and brought them to me the first day back to school. I teared up because it was a buried memory that I had all but forgotten and that artwork brought it back. But now they hang behind my desk along with her pictures.
One of my boys from last year who is pretty intuitive to my moods anyways asked about her pictures and when I told him that she died he told me that he felt like I was different this year and that explains it. I had to create a timeline of my life as an example for the students. They themselves had to create timelines of their life and I showed mine as an example. I put Brittany on there as a significant event. One of the girls a few days later asked how she died. I was wearing the purple llama shirt in Brittany's honor that day and it reminded the student of her. I hesitated and then choked out "she committed suicide" and then struggled to fight back tears.
Those words are so physically difficult for me to say and think. That action doesn't compute with the beautiful girl I knew and loved. But that is the bare, ugly truth. She was in pain and hid a lot from me and even her best friend. Hindsight being 20/20 there are things that I see now that I can point to her decision days before the event. But at the time I had no idea. I was blind sided. Even afterward I was confused. I thought that maybe it was my fault. Didn't she know what she meant to me? Didn't she know what this would do to me? Didn't she think about me at all? But in reality her actions had nothing to do with me. And her note is a clear indication that she did think of me. even in the end. She knew how much I loved her because I told her often how much I loved her. I know now that she knew that and that her death wasn't about that.
I will always play a what if game but I can't un-ring that bell. All I can do is move forward and try to live by her words. I read them every day. I bought her a pinwheel today to put at her grave. I wrote some words on it and I like to think that as the wind blows, it blows those words up to her. and she hears them over and over and over.
On the way home there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. I'd like to think it was her way of saying she got my message.
Comments
Post a Comment