Love Letters to Luke: Light of My Life
My Dearest Luke,
In November I promised to write a letter a day to someone in my life. You are my letter for "someone who brings me joy." So here we go
I remember when you were born and the weeks following were filled with so much love, light, and happiness. If I had to describe those weeks I'd sum it up by saying "pure unbridled joy". I visualize it like sun shine pouring out on the world. When Brittany died, I lost a huge, huge part of myself. I remember being in California hours after I heard the terrible news and I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and you had a fitful night as well. We were sleeping in the same room as your crib and I bet I kept you up. You woke up crying and I fed you but you still fussed and didn't want to be put back down (which is so unusual). I remember standing in the middle of the room and rocking you in the night with tears pouring down my face and pooling onto the top of your head, until they finally slid down your cheeks and Richie took you from me. In the weeks afterwards, I cried a lot and felt a lot of sadness but I remembered that I still had you to look after. So I got out of bed every morning and I went through the motions for a while. I smiled when I felt I should smile at you but I wasn't feeling very happy. The minute you went to bed, I went back to bed too.
I saw a video recently where a baby had tears in his eyes from his mom singing a sad song and my heart broke a little. If that baby felt his mom's sorrow from his mom singing a sad song, how much more had you felt when my heart was literally breaking? Time and time again people warned me that babies feel the energy of their parents, and so I tried harder to be present with you and smile with you - an actual smile. Then one day I laughed at something silly you did and I felt my pain ease the slightest of bits. And the next day I laughed harder and again felt my pain ease. And each day that followed brought with it more laughter and less pain. 3 months have passed, and I still think about your sister every. single. day. But today was the first day since she died that I actually did my homework for grad school willingly, and I willingly went for a run with you. That may not seem like very much to many people, but to me it is huge. It means that I'm healing and moving forward and you baby boy are the biggest reason that I am able to see a future still. For years I was conscious that Brittany was watching me and I made sure to act in a way that would make her proud. When she died I felt like there wasn't a point anymore. But you, my lovey, are the point. You are still here and your little eyes are still upon me. It may have taken me a while to come around to this point, and I'm sorry that I even lost sight of that in my grief. I see it now.
And so my lovey, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me these past 3 months. Thank you for making me smile and laugh. Thank you for giving me a reason to get out of bed. Thank you for loving me and giving me drooly kisses and snotty hugs. Thank you for needing me. Thank you for living up to your name and being a light in my life. You have no idea how truly and deeply my love for you goes.
Love, Love, Love you always,
Your Mama
In November I promised to write a letter a day to someone in my life. You are my letter for "someone who brings me joy." So here we go
I remember when you were born and the weeks following were filled with so much love, light, and happiness. If I had to describe those weeks I'd sum it up by saying "pure unbridled joy". I visualize it like sun shine pouring out on the world. When Brittany died, I lost a huge, huge part of myself. I remember being in California hours after I heard the terrible news and I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and you had a fitful night as well. We were sleeping in the same room as your crib and I bet I kept you up. You woke up crying and I fed you but you still fussed and didn't want to be put back down (which is so unusual). I remember standing in the middle of the room and rocking you in the night with tears pouring down my face and pooling onto the top of your head, until they finally slid down your cheeks and Richie took you from me. In the weeks afterwards, I cried a lot and felt a lot of sadness but I remembered that I still had you to look after. So I got out of bed every morning and I went through the motions for a while. I smiled when I felt I should smile at you but I wasn't feeling very happy. The minute you went to bed, I went back to bed too.
I saw a video recently where a baby had tears in his eyes from his mom singing a sad song and my heart broke a little. If that baby felt his mom's sorrow from his mom singing a sad song, how much more had you felt when my heart was literally breaking? Time and time again people warned me that babies feel the energy of their parents, and so I tried harder to be present with you and smile with you - an actual smile. Then one day I laughed at something silly you did and I felt my pain ease the slightest of bits. And the next day I laughed harder and again felt my pain ease. And each day that followed brought with it more laughter and less pain. 3 months have passed, and I still think about your sister every. single. day. But today was the first day since she died that I actually did my homework for grad school willingly, and I willingly went for a run with you. That may not seem like very much to many people, but to me it is huge. It means that I'm healing and moving forward and you baby boy are the biggest reason that I am able to see a future still. For years I was conscious that Brittany was watching me and I made sure to act in a way that would make her proud. When she died I felt like there wasn't a point anymore. But you, my lovey, are the point. You are still here and your little eyes are still upon me. It may have taken me a while to come around to this point, and I'm sorry that I even lost sight of that in my grief. I see it now.
And so my lovey, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me these past 3 months. Thank you for making me smile and laugh. Thank you for giving me a reason to get out of bed. Thank you for loving me and giving me drooly kisses and snotty hugs. Thank you for needing me. Thank you for living up to your name and being a light in my life. You have no idea how truly and deeply my love for you goes.
Love, Love, Love you always,
Your Mama
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