Grief has changed me
Grief has changed me. Losing my Shadow, and then less than 6 months later losing my Gram has changed me. There are 2 large holes in my heart that will never be filled while I am on this Earth - holes that will only be filled when I see the 2 of them in Heaven. At first I thought that once I stopped grieving my life and I would return to our normal reality. But the reality of the situation is that you can never go back to who you were. There are huge changes that I've noticed within myself now that I didn't have before.
The first is that now I never really want to leave my house. Before I had Luke, I felt this restlessness within my soul. It was a pretty constant need for change and the need to feel young and a little reckless. Then I got pregnant and went on bed rest and the restlessness went to an all time high. I was sad and frustrated that I was missing out on life - more specifically on Brittany's life. I missed an entire season of her last season playing basketball. O how I loved to see her play basketball. I never begrudged Luke for the situation. It's not his fault, but I regretted (and still regret) that I missed so much of her life during that time. Once Luke was here, I still felt the need to move and get out of the house. Especially during the summer time. But by that time, Brittany's anxiety was at an all time high and I could rarely see her. Although we spoke/texted every single day, I didn't see her very often that summer. I regret all the silly, stupid things I was doing. Time that I SHOULD have spent with her. I should have made more of an effort to go see her, to figure out what was wrong. I shouldn't have let fear hold me back from voicing my concerns to her dad. I NEVER thought she would hurt herself, but I knew she was not well and that it was only getting worse. I regret not taking care of my daughter as well as I should have. What did I do with my time???
The last time I saw my Gram alive was the trip to California. I'll never forget walking into the apartment and seeing her laying on the couch. She couldn't see Luke and me yet, so I said "well aren't you going to get up and greet us????" She sat up so quickly and yelled "O my god! what are you doing here??" then she had to sit back down because she was dizzy from getting up so quickly. I was worried I had given her a heart attack. I barely had 36 hours with her before I received the news that Brittany died, and my world forever changed. I think about how I was SUPPOSED to have a golden week with my Gram. It would have been our last hurrah (although we didn't know it at the time). I lost so much time with my Gram. Time that I SHOULD have had with her. Then her sickness came back and because she lived out of state, I couldn't see her. We facetimed and texted, but it was never the same. I listen to her voice message all the time still just to hear her voice.
If there is one thing grief has absolutely 100% confirmed for me, it is that I NEVER want to feel like I missed out on time with Luke or Richie. I NEVER want to look back and wonder what the hell I did with my time, when I could have been with the loves of my life. And so I rarely leave the house now if it isn't for work or family obligations. I just don't. I worry that sometimes I don't have a balance between friends and family, but at the end of the day Luke makes me laugh and love more than anything I've ever done. The most healing thing I've done since I've lost Brittany and Gram, is to be with him. I've cried into his hair while I've held him in my arms, I've snuggled with him, I've picked him up when he was crying and offered him comfort, I've laughed with his silly pumpkin grin. I've lived my life here with him in our tiny little house. For now, that is the only thing I'd rather do and be.
The first is that now I never really want to leave my house. Before I had Luke, I felt this restlessness within my soul. It was a pretty constant need for change and the need to feel young and a little reckless. Then I got pregnant and went on bed rest and the restlessness went to an all time high. I was sad and frustrated that I was missing out on life - more specifically on Brittany's life. I missed an entire season of her last season playing basketball. O how I loved to see her play basketball. I never begrudged Luke for the situation. It's not his fault, but I regretted (and still regret) that I missed so much of her life during that time. Once Luke was here, I still felt the need to move and get out of the house. Especially during the summer time. But by that time, Brittany's anxiety was at an all time high and I could rarely see her. Although we spoke/texted every single day, I didn't see her very often that summer. I regret all the silly, stupid things I was doing. Time that I SHOULD have spent with her. I should have made more of an effort to go see her, to figure out what was wrong. I shouldn't have let fear hold me back from voicing my concerns to her dad. I NEVER thought she would hurt herself, but I knew she was not well and that it was only getting worse. I regret not taking care of my daughter as well as I should have. What did I do with my time???
The last time I saw my Gram alive was the trip to California. I'll never forget walking into the apartment and seeing her laying on the couch. She couldn't see Luke and me yet, so I said "well aren't you going to get up and greet us????" She sat up so quickly and yelled "O my god! what are you doing here??" then she had to sit back down because she was dizzy from getting up so quickly. I was worried I had given her a heart attack. I barely had 36 hours with her before I received the news that Brittany died, and my world forever changed. I think about how I was SUPPOSED to have a golden week with my Gram. It would have been our last hurrah (although we didn't know it at the time). I lost so much time with my Gram. Time that I SHOULD have had with her. Then her sickness came back and because she lived out of state, I couldn't see her. We facetimed and texted, but it was never the same. I listen to her voice message all the time still just to hear her voice.
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| Luke's last picture with Gram |
If there is one thing grief has absolutely 100% confirmed for me, it is that I NEVER want to feel like I missed out on time with Luke or Richie. I NEVER want to look back and wonder what the hell I did with my time, when I could have been with the loves of my life. And so I rarely leave the house now if it isn't for work or family obligations. I just don't. I worry that sometimes I don't have a balance between friends and family, but at the end of the day Luke makes me laugh and love more than anything I've ever done. The most healing thing I've done since I've lost Brittany and Gram, is to be with him. I've cried into his hair while I've held him in my arms, I've snuggled with him, I've picked him up when he was crying and offered him comfort, I've laughed with his silly pumpkin grin. I've lived my life here with him in our tiny little house. For now, that is the only thing I'd rather do and be.
The other thing I've noticed is that I can't compute other people's sorrows. It makes me feel so overwhelmed when I hear about my friend's problems, or the news, or the world's major issues. It's almost as if I am on overload and I can't bear to think or feel anything else. I find myself feeling anxiety, and as a coping mechanism I move away (physically or emotionally) from whatever/whoever is causing the feelings. I guess I feel like I've felt so much grief in the past months that I can't process a single other thing that has any sort of negativity. I don't really know what that is about. I don't really know what I continue to write these blogs and put it out there for all to see. Except that writing it down helps me feel better. It helps me process all of the emotions that I have. And so, I'll continue to do whatever I can that makes me feel more love and less grief.
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