uncharacteristically silent
You know it is funny. Normally I'm a pretty open book when it comes to the best and worst times in my life. But this pregnancy is different. I always wanted a second child and I remember thinking that since it was my second child, it would be a less stressful pregnancy. I could have that "been there done that" attitude. Little did I know that this pregnancy has been fraught with way more anxiety and worry than I ever had with Luke. Part of me attributes that to the fact that when I was pregnant with Luke, I had not yet felt the intense feeling of love that a mother feels for a child. I loved many other people and even had a daughter-of-my-heart who I loved more than just about anyone in my life. But Luke redefined what it meant to love. The other part of me thinks that I was so naïve then. I hadn't yet experienced the gut wrenching grief that leaves you physically hurting and the depression that can follow it when you lose someone you love so dearly.
But here I am. Pregnant again. We were definitely hoping for another chance, but we did NOT expect it to happen so quickly after the miscarriage. It is a terrifying experience to be pregnant after a miscarriage. For starters, even when you are trying to get pregnant again, I was so scared that if we did get pregnant, it would result in another miscarriage or possibly some medical issues with the child. Is it fair to roll the dice again when I was so afraid to deal with those issues? Then, when a doctor asks you how many pregnancies have you had, what do you say? Technically I've had 3 with one that resulted in a miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks. But is that medically important? When I first took a pregnancy test, I got the faintest line ever on the pregnancy test. Richie didn't know whether or not to believe it, so he made me go buy another set of tests to take it again. Imgaine my shock and horror when the 2nd test taken 4 hours later, turned up negative. Then a 3rd test, taken 12 hours later in the AM with the first pee of the day turned up positive.
I was terrified that maybe I was pregnant, but that something was wrong with the baby. For another 2 weeks, I worried constantly. My anxiety level was at an all time high. Then one night, the day before my doctor appointment that would have a sonogram to confirm the pregnancy, I was walking past my bookshelf at home. I happened to see my Bible sitting on the shelf. I don't read it very often at all but I decided to pull it down. I randomly opened up a page and looked down and this passage was already highlighted in the bible on that same page.
It gave me a lot of peace knowing that God placed that message specifically for me. I decided that I needed to stop worrying and start praying. So every time I felt anxious, I said a prayer. I prayed a lot.
When we went into the doctor appointment, there was a baby there and a beating heart! but instead of feeling joyous, I felt anxiety. I thought I was 7 weeks pregnant, but the doctor was saying that I was only 6. That may not seem that big of a deal, but it can be a huge difference when the baby is that little. Richie was excited and kissed me and said congratulations, and I was excited, but mostly I was scared.
My doctor knew that I was really anxious and he told me to come back in two weeks for another sonogram. Again the entire time I worried, and prayed, and prayed and worried. I realized that I had ovulated late, and that the doctor was probably right about the size of the baby, but I couldn't help but worry still. I knew it wasn't rational and probably not healthy, but I couldn't help it. Even when morning sickness hit and food was an almost impossible chore, I worried. Day after day, my morning sickness raged, but I knew that I could be sick and still have lost the baby. But when I went in for my 8 week sonogram, the baby was visibly bigger and the size it should be.
My doctor was really encouraging and said that each week my odds of having a miscarriage would diminish. By the time I hit 14 weeks, it would be very slim indeed.
At my 10 week appointment, my doctor was able to find the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler. He said this was fantastic news because that meant that the baby was growing and big enough to hear over the belly. My risk of miscarriage was now around 6% chance. Now my rational mind would tell me that I have a 94% of having a healthy baby, but my mind focused on the worries. It had eased a bit after this appointment, but I was still nervous. So nervous that about 2 weeks after that (at 12 weeks), I had a panic attack when my morning sickness started vanishing. Luckily I have a friend who has a Doppler at home. Her husband is also a RN and he volunteered to try to help find the baby's heartbeat. It took almost an hour and the whole time I was panicking. The doctor makes it seem so easy. It took him mere seconds. It makes you think it would be easy for another person to find it too. Not true! My friend has let me borrow it, and it still takes me a full 30 minutes to find that little baby.
When I went in for my 12 week NFT sonogram, it was amazing to see that even though the baby was 2 inches long, it was definitely a baby!
I needed extra reassurance from the sonogram tech that the baby looked ok. I told her that I had a miscarriage before. She said that as far as she could tell, the baby has all limbs and a heart beat and nothing looks irregular to her. What news to hear.
In this moment at 14 weeks pregnant, I have yet to buy a single item or even contemplate names. All because I'm afraid to hope too much. Afraid that if I make it real, it will be gone again in an instant. I keep wondering at what point I will let go of these fears and worries. I've talked to many moms and read articles, and they all have said that I won't. It won't be until this sweet baby is in my arms will the fear let up. I know that it has lessoned, but that I still pray every. single. day. to give birth to a healthy, happy, normal little baby to complete our family. A few days ago I was looking at videos of Luke as a newborn, and I felt a feeling of joy and anticipation for this new life. Not a single fear crept in to ruin that moment. It was just pure joy. For the first time in 14 weeks. It took me a few minutes to recognize that fact and let it sink in. The hope is getting stronger now and the fear is diminishing. In the back of my mind, this miscarriage will always be one of the worst times in my life, but I sincerely hope that I can let it go day by day and move forward with hope and pure joy with this new baby. I don't want to be fearful the entire pregnancy.
But here I am. Pregnant again. We were definitely hoping for another chance, but we did NOT expect it to happen so quickly after the miscarriage. It is a terrifying experience to be pregnant after a miscarriage. For starters, even when you are trying to get pregnant again, I was so scared that if we did get pregnant, it would result in another miscarriage or possibly some medical issues with the child. Is it fair to roll the dice again when I was so afraid to deal with those issues? Then, when a doctor asks you how many pregnancies have you had, what do you say? Technically I've had 3 with one that resulted in a miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks. But is that medically important? When I first took a pregnancy test, I got the faintest line ever on the pregnancy test. Richie didn't know whether or not to believe it, so he made me go buy another set of tests to take it again. Imgaine my shock and horror when the 2nd test taken 4 hours later, turned up negative. Then a 3rd test, taken 12 hours later in the AM with the first pee of the day turned up positive.
 |
| positive, negative, positive |
I was terrified that maybe I was pregnant, but that something was wrong with the baby. For another 2 weeks, I worried constantly. My anxiety level was at an all time high. Then one night, the day before my doctor appointment that would have a sonogram to confirm the pregnancy, I was walking past my bookshelf at home. I happened to see my Bible sitting on the shelf. I don't read it very often at all but I decided to pull it down. I randomly opened up a page and looked down and this passage was already highlighted in the bible on that same page.
 |
| Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life |
It gave me a lot of peace knowing that God placed that message specifically for me. I decided that I needed to stop worrying and start praying. So every time I felt anxious, I said a prayer. I prayed a lot.
When we went into the doctor appointment, there was a baby there and a beating heart! but instead of feeling joyous, I felt anxiety. I thought I was 7 weeks pregnant, but the doctor was saying that I was only 6. That may not seem that big of a deal, but it can be a huge difference when the baby is that little. Richie was excited and kissed me and said congratulations, and I was excited, but mostly I was scared.
 |
| 6 weeks |
My doctor knew that I was really anxious and he told me to come back in two weeks for another sonogram. Again the entire time I worried, and prayed, and prayed and worried. I realized that I had ovulated late, and that the doctor was probably right about the size of the baby, but I couldn't help but worry still. I knew it wasn't rational and probably not healthy, but I couldn't help it. Even when morning sickness hit and food was an almost impossible chore, I worried. Day after day, my morning sickness raged, but I knew that I could be sick and still have lost the baby. But when I went in for my 8 week sonogram, the baby was visibly bigger and the size it should be.
 |
| 8 weeks |
My doctor was really encouraging and said that each week my odds of having a miscarriage would diminish. By the time I hit 14 weeks, it would be very slim indeed.
At my 10 week appointment, my doctor was able to find the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler. He said this was fantastic news because that meant that the baby was growing and big enough to hear over the belly. My risk of miscarriage was now around 6% chance. Now my rational mind would tell me that I have a 94% of having a healthy baby, but my mind focused on the worries. It had eased a bit after this appointment, but I was still nervous. So nervous that about 2 weeks after that (at 12 weeks), I had a panic attack when my morning sickness started vanishing. Luckily I have a friend who has a Doppler at home. Her husband is also a RN and he volunteered to try to help find the baby's heartbeat. It took almost an hour and the whole time I was panicking. The doctor makes it seem so easy. It took him mere seconds. It makes you think it would be easy for another person to find it too. Not true! My friend has let me borrow it, and it still takes me a full 30 minutes to find that little baby.
When I went in for my 12 week NFT sonogram, it was amazing to see that even though the baby was 2 inches long, it was definitely a baby!
 |
| 12 weeks - looking like a baby! |
I needed extra reassurance from the sonogram tech that the baby looked ok. I told her that I had a miscarriage before. She said that as far as she could tell, the baby has all limbs and a heart beat and nothing looks irregular to her. What news to hear.
In this moment at 14 weeks pregnant, I have yet to buy a single item or even contemplate names. All because I'm afraid to hope too much. Afraid that if I make it real, it will be gone again in an instant. I keep wondering at what point I will let go of these fears and worries. I've talked to many moms and read articles, and they all have said that I won't. It won't be until this sweet baby is in my arms will the fear let up. I know that it has lessoned, but that I still pray every. single. day. to give birth to a healthy, happy, normal little baby to complete our family. A few days ago I was looking at videos of Luke as a newborn, and I felt a feeling of joy and anticipation for this new life. Not a single fear crept in to ruin that moment. It was just pure joy. For the first time in 14 weeks. It took me a few minutes to recognize that fact and let it sink in. The hope is getting stronger now and the fear is diminishing. In the back of my mind, this miscarriage will always be one of the worst times in my life, but I sincerely hope that I can let it go day by day and move forward with hope and pure joy with this new baby. I don't want to be fearful the entire pregnancy.
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