Hopes and Dreams

Richie and I have been trying to get pregnant since August/September.  It's been a really frustrating process to say the least.  At first things seems to be pretty regular and I figured it was only a matter of time.  But then somewhere in February my body decided to pack up shop.  I won't go into the details but it left me despairing that my body was failing me.  Month after month I was beyond frustrated.  So much so that my Dr. finally suggested a medicine called clomid that is a low dose fertility drug that regulates your ovulation.  So i took the first dose of it in May.   Meanwhile very, very few people knew of our plans because we didn't want the pressure of people watching us and waiting for it.   

Then the Sunday of mother's day I woke up after having this dream:  Richie and I were sitting on the couch in my parents house.  My whole family knew that I was pregnant already but they didn't know I had a surprise.  So I casually said "guess what?  I'm having twins just like Melissa (she is my friend who is currently pregnant with twins)".  That is the end of my dream.  Once I woke up, I immediately texted two friends just to have some proof of how psychic i really am if I actually ended up pregnant.  At this point, I began to have a shadow of a hope that I would actually end up pregnant this time. 

When I took the pregnancy test it wasn't because I felt the tell-tell signs of pregnancy.  I still don't really feel any of those.  It was just a ritual that I tended to do every so often.  By this time I had half way given up hope that I'd ever see two lines.  So I was pretty shaken when I did.  Richie confirmed what I saw and it was off to the store to get something to surprise our parents with the news.  I'm not really good at keeping my own secrets ESPECIALLY something this good.  I had a small fear in the back of my head saying not to do anything because it was so early on.

I still double check that it says pregnant

So far I feel fine.  I have been in bed by 9ish every single night since i found out which is pretty unusual for me.  I am tired but I suspect it will get a lot worse.  No nausea yet (please dear God don't let me have any!).  But I still had a small paranoia in the back of my mind that said "what if you wanted something so much you saw things on that test?  What if you aren't really pregnant?  What if you are imagining being tired?"  I'd go look at the tests every few hours or so just to pinch myself and confirm.  But today I just had to buy another test - YES I AM AWARE THAT I AM ALREADY NEUROTIC!!!  and it only took 10 seconds to confirm that yes i am indeed pregnant.  As if the first two weren't my clue.  smh. 

yup.  no surprise that they all 4 say pregnant.  lol

All week Richie has been the SWEETEST I've EVER seen him.  I'm not saying he doesn't routinely do nice things for me but mostly we give each other a hard time.  lol that's kinda how we function- by teasing each other.  But since we've found out he's different.  He still teases but it's not as much.  He has texted me every single day asking how I am feeling.  The other night I ate too fast and must have made a funny sound because he turned around quickly and said "are you ok?  What's wrong?"  I told him nothing that I guess I ate too fast and he responded with "why don't you sit down.  Here.  You need the heating pad?  A blanket?  You want the TV on?  Something to drink?"  I was cold so I said a blanket would be nice and he went and got my favorite blanket and unfolded it over me and tucked me in snug just the way i like.  I HAVE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER.  I hope I never forget the way he looked when we were at his parents and tears were streaming down his face once we told them the joyous news.

literally we just found out the good news

We have lots of hopes and dreams.  But at the crux of it, our dream is to have a healthy, happy baby.  I feel so blessed - beyond belief.  We were/are both overwhelmed with how overjoyed other people are for us. It is truly a big blessing. But it almost doesn't seem real.  Most people know now and someone will come up and say "congrats!" and it takes me half a second to realize what they are talking about.  Then I think "o yeah.  I'm pregnant!"  Or hearing someone call me prego or preggers or mama makes me pause for a second before i realize that they are indeed referring to me.  I'm sure that soon it will be all too real - as a friend recently said when I'm screaming in pain in February and my baby is about to be born.  That's not an exact quote but it's close. 

In the meantime, while I wait for things to get real, say a prayer for a healthy pregnancy for me and for a healthy, happy baby to be born.          

We love you baby!