Everything I expected and a few things I didn't
Someone asked me the other day if being a mom was everything I expected it to be. A literal definition of Expect is
"to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of"
So has motherhood been everything I've expected it to be? It simultaneously fulfills and breaks every notion I thought I had about what being a mom would feel like and mean.
I expected that being a mom would be so rewarding, so challenging and so worth every sacrifice - and it is. What I didn't expect was to fall so madly, deeply in love with my little guy. I can honestly say I've never been happier in my entire life. I worried in the beginning that maybe I wouldn't feel a strong attachment with him because I expected him to be a girl for so long. When I found out he was a boy I literally cried for an entire weekend. Now to some people, those who have lost a child or cannot conceive a child, that seems incredibly selfish and self centered. And it is. It was probably my last selfish emotion I remember having before I became a mom. But the second I saw his little hand waving in the air between my legs -- before I even saw his face -- I fell in love harder then I expected and I'm so grateful for that.
I was expecting to be tired from getting up so often in the middle of the night. I am typically a pretty good sleeper at night and because of my bed rest I was averaging 12+ hours of sleep every single night. I expected exhaustion and I was at some points but I never felt overwhelmed by tiredness. I think Richie took the brunt of that. I'm used to working/coaching/going to school and having a life at the same time. Those are some long hours. Richie just had to work and have a life. He was probably overwhelmed with exhaustion more than I was. Don't get me wrong, I was tired and as soon as I heard him cry out in the middle of the night I would think of how tired I was but when I went to his bassinet to pick him up he was just SO DAMN CUTE that immediately all my exhaustion went away. I just wanted to stare at his face. Those first 6 weeks are a blur of unbridled joy that over rode any tiredness that I was experiencing. I wasn't expecting that.
I have had some pretty strong ideas strengthened and broken lately. For example, I've always been pretty terrified of knives and guns but lately I've been contemplating getting my CHL and owning a gun. While the idea of that terrifies me, the idea of not being able to protect Luke in an emergency is even more terrifying. I read stories of home invasions and I feel sick to my stomach. My over active imagination always thinks "What would you do if that was you?" Before I would have said "well if that happened that it was my time to go and that would be that." But now I think "Hell no! I'd fight like hell to protect Luke and take any bastards down that want to harm him." The irony that I never thought that I was worth protecting isn't lost of me.
I've also always believed that there are certain behaviors/speech patterns that are unacceptable to do or say to enemies much less to people you love and respect. Even in the darkest of hours or in the angriest of times, you should maintain a level of respect for yourself and for those you love. I don't get into arguments very often and I hate conflict. Now that I am a mom I know for damn sure that I never want to erode that respect with vile, hurtful words. It's unacceptable to behave in certain ways if you love someone. No matter how much I disagree with something Richie or Luke say or do I will voice that in a way that is consistent with my respect for them as human beings.
I expected motherhood to be gross and filled with nasty things like poop and pee, vomit, boogers, and ear wax. And it is. What I didn't expect was that although that stuff IS STILL GROSS, I can manage it without losing my lunch. At least until Luke starts eating solid food. Then it might be a whole different story.
The biggest thing that I wasn't expecting as a mom is the feeling that I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE!!! My entire life I've always had a plan and followed a plan. I've always known things or researched things or learned things. But the beautifully frustrating thing about being a parent is that because our children are so wonderfully diverse, the methods to parenting them are just as diverse. There is no single answer.
WHAT???? Well how do I know if I'm doing things right?
This unexpected feeling was a bit overwhelming the first 3 months. But now I feel better looking at Luke and asking myself "Does he look happy? Does he look healthy? Does he know I love him?" As long as the answers are yes, yes, and yes then I have the "right" answer. At least for right now. And I'm going to have to be OK with the feeling that I may never know if I'm doing things the "right" way or not.
Ultimately, I expected being a Mom to change me in pretty significant ways but at the end of the day I feel like I'm just opening up to who I always was and who I am meant to be and maybe that's not such a change after all.
"to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of"
So has motherhood been everything I've expected it to be? It simultaneously fulfills and breaks every notion I thought I had about what being a mom would feel like and mean.
I expected that being a mom would be so rewarding, so challenging and so worth every sacrifice - and it is. What I didn't expect was to fall so madly, deeply in love with my little guy. I can honestly say I've never been happier in my entire life. I worried in the beginning that maybe I wouldn't feel a strong attachment with him because I expected him to be a girl for so long. When I found out he was a boy I literally cried for an entire weekend. Now to some people, those who have lost a child or cannot conceive a child, that seems incredibly selfish and self centered. And it is. It was probably my last selfish emotion I remember having before I became a mom. But the second I saw his little hand waving in the air between my legs -- before I even saw his face -- I fell in love harder then I expected and I'm so grateful for that.
 |
| My first time holding my little man |
I was expecting to be tired from getting up so often in the middle of the night. I am typically a pretty good sleeper at night and because of my bed rest I was averaging 12+ hours of sleep every single night. I expected exhaustion and I was at some points but I never felt overwhelmed by tiredness. I think Richie took the brunt of that. I'm used to working/coaching/going to school and having a life at the same time. Those are some long hours. Richie just had to work and have a life. He was probably overwhelmed with exhaustion more than I was. Don't get me wrong, I was tired and as soon as I heard him cry out in the middle of the night I would think of how tired I was but when I went to his bassinet to pick him up he was just SO DAMN CUTE that immediately all my exhaustion went away. I just wanted to stare at his face. Those first 6 weeks are a blur of unbridled joy that over rode any tiredness that I was experiencing. I wasn't expecting that.
 |
| Best weeks of my life! |
I have had some pretty strong ideas strengthened and broken lately. For example, I've always been pretty terrified of knives and guns but lately I've been contemplating getting my CHL and owning a gun. While the idea of that terrifies me, the idea of not being able to protect Luke in an emergency is even more terrifying. I read stories of home invasions and I feel sick to my stomach. My over active imagination always thinks "What would you do if that was you?" Before I would have said "well if that happened that it was my time to go and that would be that." But now I think "Hell no! I'd fight like hell to protect Luke and take any bastards down that want to harm him." The irony that I never thought that I was worth protecting isn't lost of me.
I've also always believed that there are certain behaviors/speech patterns that are unacceptable to do or say to enemies much less to people you love and respect. Even in the darkest of hours or in the angriest of times, you should maintain a level of respect for yourself and for those you love. I don't get into arguments very often and I hate conflict. Now that I am a mom I know for damn sure that I never want to erode that respect with vile, hurtful words. It's unacceptable to behave in certain ways if you love someone. No matter how much I disagree with something Richie or Luke say or do I will voice that in a way that is consistent with my respect for them as human beings.
I expected motherhood to be gross and filled with nasty things like poop and pee, vomit, boogers, and ear wax. And it is. What I didn't expect was that although that stuff IS STILL GROSS, I can manage it without losing my lunch. At least until Luke starts eating solid food. Then it might be a whole different story.
The biggest thing that I wasn't expecting as a mom is the feeling that I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE!!! My entire life I've always had a plan and followed a plan. I've always known things or researched things or learned things. But the beautifully frustrating thing about being a parent is that because our children are so wonderfully diverse, the methods to parenting them are just as diverse. There is no single answer.
WHAT???? Well how do I know if I'm doing things right?
This unexpected feeling was a bit overwhelming the first 3 months. But now I feel better looking at Luke and asking myself "Does he look happy? Does he look healthy? Does he know I love him?" As long as the answers are yes, yes, and yes then I have the "right" answer. At least for right now. And I'm going to have to be OK with the feeling that I may never know if I'm doing things the "right" way or not.
 |
| If he's happy then I must be doing something right |
Ultimately, I expected being a Mom to change me in pretty significant ways but at the end of the day I feel like I'm just opening up to who I always was and who I am meant to be and maybe that's not such a change after all.
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