3 weeks of hell
The last 3 weeks have been hell. Hearing the news that we were going to have a miscarriage was so very difficult, but even more so was the purgatory that came after that. When we went in for the first sonogram, we were told that it looked like an abnormal pregnancy, but on the off chance that I had any dates wrong, the doctor wanted to wait 2 weeks to see if there was any growth. If my body was going to naturally miscarry, it would happen in those two weeks. If not, we would do another sonogram.
So we waited. and waited. In the waiting, my mind played tricks on me. I was so terrified of NOT having a miscarriage and going in and hearing that there was life in there after all, but that it was tiny because of severe health defects. This fear and worry grew as each day passed. Then I felt so guilty that I was terrified to see life. Fear, worry, and guilt were my companions during this time.
Our trip to California couldn't be better timed for me. It gave me the diversion I needed so that I didn't sit in the fear, worry and guilt 24 hours a day. The diversion also kept my mind away from the bouts of morning sickness and hunger I was feeling. It still snuck up on me daily, but it wasn't as bad as it was before I left.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED. The day before we left, we were at a concert in the park. I stood up to go chase Luke and I immediately knew it was happening. I found a bathroom and cried in the stall. I knew it was going to happen, but seeing the proof in front of my eyes was both heartbreaking and a relief. The wait was over. But not really. I still felt nauseous and other things that made me think that I hadn't had a full miscarriage. So I called my doctor and he double booked himself to move my sonogram up 3 days. There were no signs of life, but I hadn't fully had the miscarriage yet. In the end, my body still couldn't fully complete the miscarriage. Apparently 40% of my types of miscarriages don't pass on their own. Rather than waiting for up to 6 weeks to see if it would resolve on its own, we opted to do the D&C.
I didn't sleep much the night before. The whole process made me nervous. The most heart warming thing that happened to me was with the nurse before the procedure. The pre-op nurse was probably in her 60s and she was going through the procedure and my charts with me about to start an IV. She confirmed that I was there to have the D&C, and I started crying. She stopped, moved the table that was between us, and came around and gave me a huge hug and said that we'd get through it together. She told me of her own similar experience and told me that tears didn't make us any weaker. We can be strong with tears too. When I looked at her she had tears in her eyes. She waited until I had calmed down before she asked if I was ready to continue. I know I will never forget that moment.
The procedure was routine and I went home. For two days, I felt nothing at all. I thought I was in the clear, but then I woke up at 3 am with some pretty bad cramping. This went on for some time before I broke down and took a pain pill. I finally went back to sleep. The pain today has been UNREAL. Literal contractions. Hard enough to curl my toes and make me cry and grunt in pain. I thought I was going to die (not literally though). After calling the on-call dr, I realized that I wasn't taking the pain meds like I should have been. I have since been on them routinely. I'm hoping that I won't need them for long.
I don't know what lesson I am supposed to learn from this. I know that I lived with fear, worry and guilt for 3 weeks. I suffered tiredness, hunger and morning sickness for a baby I will never birth. I have paid A LOT of money for medical procedures for a baby I will never birth. I have felt physical pain and contractions for a baby I will never birth. But through it all, I tell this baby that I wanted it and loved it so much, and that I'm sorry it couldn't stay here. I have gone through many things I never, ever thought I would have to go through.
At the end of this process, if I can be grateful for anything, it is that I have so MANY, MANY people who love and care about my little family. I have a husband who cried with me, who held me, who asked me a few dozen times a day if I am ok or if I need anything. I have family who took care of Luke and I during this time. Friends who have facebooked me, texted me, called me, dropped of flowers and reached out to me. People who have given me advice on how they got through this pain. People who offered prayers and thoughts. So many people have thanked me for being transparent in this process and thanked me for giving their unspoken pain a voice. I would NOT have been able to do this without you guys out there. There are still moments when I cry with the futility of this whole stupid fucking situation. But once I am done, I say a prayer of thanks. Not for this situation, but for having a way to see through it. For knowing that although I am not joyful right now, I still have joy in my life. I am truly not alone. Not ever. I want to thank you all for that knowledge.
So we waited. and waited. In the waiting, my mind played tricks on me. I was so terrified of NOT having a miscarriage and going in and hearing that there was life in there after all, but that it was tiny because of severe health defects. This fear and worry grew as each day passed. Then I felt so guilty that I was terrified to see life. Fear, worry, and guilt were my companions during this time.
Our trip to California couldn't be better timed for me. It gave me the diversion I needed so that I didn't sit in the fear, worry and guilt 24 hours a day. The diversion also kept my mind away from the bouts of morning sickness and hunger I was feeling. It still snuck up on me daily, but it wasn't as bad as it was before I left.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED. The day before we left, we were at a concert in the park. I stood up to go chase Luke and I immediately knew it was happening. I found a bathroom and cried in the stall. I knew it was going to happen, but seeing the proof in front of my eyes was both heartbreaking and a relief. The wait was over. But not really. I still felt nauseous and other things that made me think that I hadn't had a full miscarriage. So I called my doctor and he double booked himself to move my sonogram up 3 days. There were no signs of life, but I hadn't fully had the miscarriage yet. In the end, my body still couldn't fully complete the miscarriage. Apparently 40% of my types of miscarriages don't pass on their own. Rather than waiting for up to 6 weeks to see if it would resolve on its own, we opted to do the D&C.
I didn't sleep much the night before. The whole process made me nervous. The most heart warming thing that happened to me was with the nurse before the procedure. The pre-op nurse was probably in her 60s and she was going through the procedure and my charts with me about to start an IV. She confirmed that I was there to have the D&C, and I started crying. She stopped, moved the table that was between us, and came around and gave me a huge hug and said that we'd get through it together. She told me of her own similar experience and told me that tears didn't make us any weaker. We can be strong with tears too. When I looked at her she had tears in her eyes. She waited until I had calmed down before she asked if I was ready to continue. I know I will never forget that moment.
The procedure was routine and I went home. For two days, I felt nothing at all. I thought I was in the clear, but then I woke up at 3 am with some pretty bad cramping. This went on for some time before I broke down and took a pain pill. I finally went back to sleep. The pain today has been UNREAL. Literal contractions. Hard enough to curl my toes and make me cry and grunt in pain. I thought I was going to die (not literally though). After calling the on-call dr, I realized that I wasn't taking the pain meds like I should have been. I have since been on them routinely. I'm hoping that I won't need them for long.
I don't know what lesson I am supposed to learn from this. I know that I lived with fear, worry and guilt for 3 weeks. I suffered tiredness, hunger and morning sickness for a baby I will never birth. I have paid A LOT of money for medical procedures for a baby I will never birth. I have felt physical pain and contractions for a baby I will never birth. But through it all, I tell this baby that I wanted it and loved it so much, and that I'm sorry it couldn't stay here. I have gone through many things I never, ever thought I would have to go through.
At the end of this process, if I can be grateful for anything, it is that I have so MANY, MANY people who love and care about my little family. I have a husband who cried with me, who held me, who asked me a few dozen times a day if I am ok or if I need anything. I have family who took care of Luke and I during this time. Friends who have facebooked me, texted me, called me, dropped of flowers and reached out to me. People who have given me advice on how they got through this pain. People who offered prayers and thoughts. So many people have thanked me for being transparent in this process and thanked me for giving their unspoken pain a voice. I would NOT have been able to do this without you guys out there. There are still moments when I cry with the futility of this whole stupid fucking situation. But once I am done, I say a prayer of thanks. Not for this situation, but for having a way to see through it. For knowing that although I am not joyful right now, I still have joy in my life. I am truly not alone. Not ever. I want to thank you all for that knowledge.
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