Damn Hormones!

Before getting pregnant I would say I was a fairly stable woman.  I was never prone to mood swings, PMS or crying.  I fully expected to become this crazy woman when I was pregnant with all of my phobias and hypochondriac tendencies.  But surprisingly - I wasn't.  Even with all of the drama, I remained fairly calm most of the time.  I had occasional bout of tears but most of the time I was fairly calm.  AND THEN I HAD A BABY.....  I mean I knew I would probably cry when he was born and I was right. 



I'm not sure i expected the amount of tears that were to come in the following weeks.  I was a basket case of hormones!  The week after the birth I cried every.single.day.  I cried when:

-  When he was born
-  When we took him home from the hospital the first time
-  When Richie noticed he had jaundice - not me!
-  When he got his little heel pricked to get his blood tested in the hospital
-  When we left him in the hospital in the NICU under the lights
-  When we got home from the hospital empty handed to an empty nursery and bassinet
-  When we brought him home for the second time
-  When he wouldn't breastfeed anymore because he was used to the flow of the nipples on the bottles
-  While rocking him to sleep because he was (and is) so beautiful




- While watching Richie hold him and cuddle with him
-  While feeding him
- When we moved from newborn diapers to size 1



- When I had to stop dressing him in newborn size clothes
-  When I couldn't calm him down and he was crying
-  When I thought that he liked Richie better than he likes me


I'm sure there are more things I cried about that I can't remember. 

I distinctly remember crying while changing his diaper and Richie asked me why I was crying and I said "because I'm afraid he isn't getting enough food, which will cause his jaundice to come back and we have to go to the hospital again.  How do I know?  I mean what if he's sick and we don't know it?"  to which Richie grabbed my hands and said "Lauren.  look at him.  Does he look sick to you?"  and when I stopped to look at Luke he was happily laying on the changing table looking up at the ceiling.  He obviously was not in any way, shape or form sick or unhappy.  It was just my overactive imagination and hypochondriac ideas flaring up again. 

I want to make it clear that I do not have Post Partum Depression but that first week was one hell of a hormonal ride.  I was in no way prepared for that! 

Being a mom is the single most terrifying thing I've ever done.  I don't want to screw anything up and I feel like the stakes are so high.  If i mess my own life up, then i can deal with it but if i mess up Luke's life then there is no starting over.  I have to just remind myself that I just need to love him and tell him i love him at all times.  When he is sleeping, when he is eating, when he is crying, when I'm changing his diaper.  All of the time. 

Usually after a good cry I can get myself sheepishly together and apologize to Richie for having (yet another) break down.  Poor Richie.  He's earning his sainthood I tell you.  Luckily the crying episodes are getting fewer and further in between as I gain confidence in myself - why can't they make a baby manual???  And luckily for me I have the most amazing husband in the world.  He truly is my partner in every way possible and I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone else!

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